It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
