Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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