I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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