NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
