speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He did a backflip because drugs
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