My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
