Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
