I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
