Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
