My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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