Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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