the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
