i love accidental penises.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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