I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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