proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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