You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
