so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize