guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
