I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
