He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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