why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
