I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
