I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
