I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The power of my boobs compel you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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