guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
