If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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