just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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