I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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