I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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