New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My dick has a subreddit
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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