Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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