I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
