Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
