Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
