you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
