Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My cat gives me a boner
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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