Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
