just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
