Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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