I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
