I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
