Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
