I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
