sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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