Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
