Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
