K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you didnt know i had herpes?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize