I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
