R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize