you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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