connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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