There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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