I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
