That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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