So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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